You look stunned cuzzy. Not surprising I suppose. I’m still coming to terms with it myself. But you must admit, it couldn’t have happened to a more deserving fella. I scored it off a leprechaun a few hours ago. He’d met his match in yours truly. #
Leprechauns are just imaginary you reckon? How would you know. Just because you haven’t seen one. It was a leprechaun, I’m telling you, and right here in little old En Zed. #
It stands to reason doesn’t it? The Irish have spread all over the world including here Down Under. Why not leprechauns with them. #
You think I’ve won Lotto? Get real! Would a dozen Lotto wins come anywhere near paying for all this? And this new youthful look. It’s certainly not makeup. Here, feel my skin. #
I know what they say. Magic goes against all reason. It’s for the ignorant. Oh yes, and WE know better. But, tell me, how does a palace like this appear in seconds? So much for your so-called reason. #
A dream? You think this is a dream? You’re not dreaming. If you were dreaming, it would be you having all the luck not me. #
No, I can’t prove that it’s not a dream. I could punch you on the nose, be pleased to oblige, but what would it prove? You could be dreaming the punch and the pain too. #
Well, just shut up and I’ll tell you what happened.
A GOOD APHRODISIAC. Page 2 #
Me always bend the truth? Never! Well maybe a tiny little white lie occasionally when it gets me what I want.
As you know, I’ve had my eye on this piece of land for some time and have been trying to get my hands on it. I knew I could make a killing. I have been here a lot lately and always with the feeling that I was being watched.
This afternoon, I was standing almost on this very spot, looking out to sea, When I caught this movement out of the corner of my eye. I have good peripheral vision. So I spun round and, would you believe it, there was this leprechaun. I pinned him with my stare. You don’t have to actually grab a leprechaun. Just keep your eye on him. #
Of course it was a leprechaun! #
No I haven’t seen a leprechaun before but see one and you can’t mistake him. A little man, about thirty centimetres, dressed in green, jacket, trousers, hat, even green boots. His hat is sort of conical but soft and floppy with a brim and a feather.
Straight away, I said, “That’s a pot of gold you owe me friend.” you know how quick I am to size up a situation.
But he just laughed. “Sorry me darlin’,” he says, “but I couldn’t bring it out from the auld country. Fair broke my heart it did.”
But nobody fobs me off that easily. “There has to be a default then like maybe…..three wishes?” You should have seen his face fall. he obviously hadn’t realised the measure of the man that he was dealing with. He agreed with a very bad grace that I was right. But aren’t I always right.
A GOOD APHRODISIAC. Page 3 #
Did I give the wishes some careful thought? You might have to but not me. I’ve got it up here. I’m quick. I told him that I’d been wondering how I might gain title to this land. And immediately, I could feel some papers in my top pocket.
“Well? Aren’t you going to look at the title? Don’t you believe that I’ve secured it? Think I’m bluffin’?” He sounded aggrieved.
I’ll take your word for it," I told him. He wanted to divert my attention but I’m too smart for that. Take your eyes off a leprechaun for even the briefest moment and they’re gone with the rest of your wishes still owing. They’re tricky devils.
“And I was daydreaming about the palace that I would build here with well-stocked larders, cellars of fine wines, and all the latest mod-cons.” Absolute bunkum, of course, but I thought I might as well go the whole hog and again….well, you can see for yourself what happened. #
I agree! it’s in bad taste, overdone, but then what palace isn’t? This is probably your bog Irish idea of splendour. But at least it’s free. Anyway help yourself to some of these oysters they’re quite nice. Here I’ve been making a pig of myself and forgetting to offer you any. What sort of a host am I?…Tuck in…Make yourself sick. #
But to go on. “How are you going to run this place, pay for the upkeep, the rates, fight the local council? All that sort of thing? You’ve got no planning permission for this place,” He says. He was trying to prompt me but I was far ahead of him.
“That could be a problem.” I pretended to think it over. “I’d just need access to all the currently unworked Swiss bank accounts.” And, as I’d hoped, a large attache case appeared at my feet. No need to check what it contained. “And now,” I said, “I wish for sixty female
A GOOD APHRODISIAC. Page 4 slaves, young and well endowed.” #
What? You reckon I can’t count? You make that number four? That’s what he reckoned too. That I’d had my three wishes. “No way!” I said, “That’s my first wish. Did I actually ask for those other things? You gave them to me out of the goodness of your heart. You’re one of nature’s gentlemen, a true philanthropist.” I guess I looked a bit smug but could you blame me. It takes an exceptional person to outsmart a leprechaun and, unfortunately for him, I’m that man. I really rubbed it in a bit. “You’re not dealing with Paddy now , you now.” That really touched him off. He screamed and stamped his feet like a spoiled child. I almost expected him to self-destruct but he calmed down and admitted himself bested. And that made me wary.
“Well endowed,” he says, “You’ll be wanting them strong and muscular then.” Talk about dense.
“No way,” I told him. “When I say well-endowed I mean as in Playboy centre-folds.” I wasn’t very happy about leaving the choice to him but the girls appeared and I have no reason to complain. #
Where are they? Patience lad! You’ll have to wait for another day to see them. They were a little bit shaken up by their transference and, good master that I am, I had them jack up a scratch meal in the kitchens, we’re still disorganized here, and sent them early to their quarters. They’r probably all excited wondering who are going to be the lucky pair tonight. By the way, get into these oysters. I’m beating you three to one. #
You wonder what makes me think that leprechauns read Playboy? Well doesn’t everybody?
A GOOD APHRODISIAC. Page 5
For my second wish, it occurred to me that with my new, shall we say, responsibilities, what I needed most was renewed youth and virility. Not that I was past it mind you, don’t get that idea. The leprechaun granted my wish without demur.
You’re not eating man. Get stuck in. I can’t offer you anything else at the moment.
Hang on! I’ll just have a couple more myself. I shouldn’t. I’ve just about had enough. More than enough perhaps. I’m starting to feel like a bloated pig but they’re so more-ish. #
No! I don’t know where he got the girls from. From all over I expect. And yes, they will have left families behind. But so what? They’ll have me. I’ll keep them happy. They’ll soon forget. I’ll draw up a schedule so that I get around to them all at least once a month. No favourites. I’ll be careful not to give any of them a cause for jealousy. You know what women are like. Don’t smirk. You don’t think that I’m up to it do you? I’ve got news for you Son. Now eat up, they’re free aren’t they? #
You’ve had enough? No come on. Now where was I? Oh yes! The last wish. What to do with it. I had enough money to buy anything I wanted. A yacht, cars, naturally I prefer to choose my own. And the leprechaun was hopping from one foot to the other pressing me for a decision. So I told him that my most immediate need was for a good aphrodisiac. “Oysters,” he says, “Those Bluff oysters of yours. World famous! I’ve heard that they are just the thing for peak performance. I’ll get ye some.” #
You think that chocolate is better? No wonder your wife left. Anyway, he had them here in the twinkling of an eye and disappeared just as fast. But look! It shows you just how thick the Irish are. Even the leprechauns are thick. Four ten litre pails! How could he expect me to eat
A GOOD APHRODISIAC. Page 6 forty litres of oysters? I wouldn’t be performing. I’d be dead.
Can’t I press you to some more? They’re only going to be thrown out. You won’t? Well maybe the girls will clean them up in the morning. I’ll have one more myself and that will be it. There! How’s that for self control. I’m going to have to chase you off now. You’ll have to let yourself out. In a few days when we get things sorted out, we’ll have a proper housewarming party. throw some this new money about so that people sit up and take notice.
At last! He’s gone. RELATIVES! But I suppose you’ve got to humour them. Although….do I need to humour them or anyone else anymore?….But surely it’s time for me to go upstairs and break the suspense up there. But what is my hand doing?…Another oyster?…And another!….GOOD GOD!…I CAN’T STOP! YOU SNEAKY LITTLE ROTTEN BASTARD!…GIRLS!…GIRLS!…HELP!! CAN ANY OF YOU HEAR ME?